The TECH Project

Author’s Note: I’ve noticed a few things around my campus that are really very strange.  I wasn’t quite sure what to make of them until I realized that the students involved in the very strange occurrences probably weren’t from around here – or, in fact, from anywhere north of… say… Tennessee.  So for all the Californians, Floridians, and southerners who attend midwestern universities: this letter is for you.

Dear Students,

I have seen you walking about campus, and I’m not sure if you fully understand where you are.  You are not in Florida.  Or California.  Or Arizona, heaven forbid.  You are in Ohio.  O-H-I-O.

This is a fact that you cannot avoid.  It is a fact from which you cannot hide.  Ohio is a mystical land that is a force of nature of its very own accord.  It stops for no one and nothing.  Therefore, allow me – a lifelong citizen of this lovely state and this particular weather-beaten area – to give you a few tips on remaining safe and healthy in this climate.

• Bundle up. I understand that, where you are from, shorts may be worn all year long.  In Ohio – particularly in this area of Ohio – that is not so.  You must, in fact, cover up your legs, men.  Besides, no one here wants to see all that hairyness.
• Drive slowly and carefully when there is snow on the ground. Yes, I understand that it’s pretty and fun to throw up in the air as you drive through it.  No, I do not care to be hospitalized in a snow-related collision.
• While we’re at it, for Pete’s sake, do NOT text while you’re driving. This is extremely dangerous to do on any college campus, where pedestrians can come out of nowhere to suddenly leap before your vehicle.  Not only that, but in the city where my university is located, it’s illegal.  So please don’t do it.
• Again, put some @#%# clothes on. You may think that you look cute, wearing your supershort skirt or short-shorts with some thin leggings underneath and some Uggs, but to us, you just look stupid.
• Make sure that you eat right. And I’m not talking just eating an apple in the morning, a salad at lunch, and two slices of greasy pizza for dinner.  Get full, balanced and nutritious meals while you’re living in this area.  That means gettig enough protein in your diet to keep your body working the right way in a Toledo winter.  Eat some chili or have some hot chicken in the dining hall for dinner and eggs in the morning; if you’re vegetarian or vegan, make sure you get enough soy or legumes in your diet.  The worst thing you could do in an Ohio winter is let your body wither away.  Next thing you know, you’ll have swine flu or something.
• Don’t go tanning in January. It’s not spring break yet.  And you look orange.
• Stop whining about this being a “boring” city. Seriously.  You came to Toledo looking for fun?  While our university has three of the best programs in the state – in Engineering, Pharmacy, and Business – our city happens to be the #9 poorest city in the US.  We’re more or less Detroit’s feeder city.  What Detroit goes through, we go through.  And our biggest employers?  Two different car companies.
• On that note, start looking at what’s good, not what “sucks”. Toledo has a high-ranking art museum and zoo.  Cleveland is home to the Rock’N'Roll Hall of Fame.  Sandusky has Kalahari and, more importantly, Cedar Point.  No matter where you go in northern Ohio, there’s tons to do.  Stop looking for a club – you can find those anywhere in the country – and start looking for unique things, like coffee houses with free live music and free or cheap concerts.

If you follow these guidelines, living in northern Ohio will become much more pleasant for you.  And a lot warmer.

Sincerely,

The Author